Monday, December 9, 2013

Hockey's Most Valuable Name: RYAN

Sometimes it is necessary for fantasy GMs to put their money where their mouth is. This year I decided to put my money where my name is. As defending champs, my fantasy hockey team, The Playoff Beards, would start the season with a target on their backs. In order to capture the ever-elusive repeat, I would have to try something different.


Then it hit me. The perfect plan was not hiding amongst the clutter of spreadsheets and scoring projections. It was right under my nose, or rather, on my nose. Actually, it was IN my nose. It WAS my nose. A drafting system so daring, so fearless, so egocentric, so down right maniacal in its simplicity - corner the market on the best name in hockey.


If you don’t believe that Ryan wins for Most Valuable Name [MVN], then let’s take a look at the current stats [12-6-2013]. According to Yahoo!’s overall rankings, there are two Ryans in the Top 25 skaters [Getzlaf and Kesler]. If you include Bobby Ryan and Bryan Little [and you totally should] you’re left with four inside the Top 50. And a staggering nine inside the Top 200! And that doesn’t include the shorthanded wunderkind, Ryan Garbutt, who is destined for Top 200-ness. By contrast, Chris and Alex, both talented names in their own right, each only have five inside the Top 200.


Side Bar: Is it just me, or does it look like the ref is helping out Mssr. Garbutt in that link? Even the refs like Ryans more. Well, they like Ryans more than Hampusses. Or is the plural of Hampus, Hampi? Anyway...


The Beard’s 2013 draft class included enough Ryans to start an Irish-American boy band. Meet the members of the band:
Ryan Miller [5th round] - The hardworking, yet troubled songwriter [Think Pete Townsend but minus the all the Remy Martin VSOP and a much smaller nose].
Ryan Kesler [9th] - The hard-luck rebel, eager to shake the snake-bitten underachiever tag.
Ryan Callahan [11th] - Captain Broadway, the all american kid [Kind of like the character Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez from movie The Sandlot]
Ryan O’Reilly [12th] - The Canadian college boy who spent a semester abroad and came back all sophisticated but refused to take his Uncle’s advice and start a career in plastics.


Barely holding onto a playoff berth, the Beards were missing something. Randy Jackson said the first single was “a bit pitchy, dawg.” Without a Ryan on D, the team was not complete. It was missing its Lance Bass.  Through some crafty GM’s-manship, The Beards landed the final piece of the puzzle: Ryan Murphy. Five feet, eleven inches [yeah right] of Irish-Canadian magic. He should prove to be just the kind of flashy skating presence Team Ryan needs on the blue line


Next week will mark the first week in fantasy hockey history* where the same given name was started in each of the five different positions. But I don’t want anyone to think this is some kind of publicity stunt akin to starting three Staal brothers on the same line together for one game just to sell tickets at the end of a dismal, lockout-shortened season. The Playoff Beards are committed to Ryan for the long haul. The Beards already have 60 Ryan-games logged in the bank and will surpass 200 by the end of the season.

*Completely unsubstantiated.

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